Fumitake Koga und Ichirou Kishimi – The Courage To Be Disliked
None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to.
Your friend had the goal of not going out beforehand, and he’s been manufacturing a state of anxiety and fear as a means to achieve that goal. In Adlerian psychology, this is called ‘teleology’.
‘aetiology’ (the study of causation) and teleology (the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause).
In Adlerian psychology, trauma is definitively denied.
‘No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences – the so-called trauma – but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.’
You probably think of disposition or personality as something with which you are endowed, without any connection to your will. In Adlerian psychology, however, lifestyle is thought of as something that you choose for yourself.
But is that the real reason? No! It’s actually that he wants to leave the possibility of ‘I can do it if I try’ open, by not committing to anything.
Having simple tasks – things that should be done – while continually coming up with various reasons why one can’t do them sounds like a hard way to live, doesn’t it?
‘No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on?
As Adler goes so far as to assert, ‘All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.’
The problem of value in the end brings us back to interpersonal relationships again.
They use their misfortune to their advantage, and try to control the other party with it.
‘In our culture weakness can be quite strong and powerful.’
Adler says, ‘In fact, if we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated.’ The baby rules over the adults with his weakness. And it is because of this weakness that no one can control him.
But as long as one continues to use one’s misfortune to one’s advantage in order to be ‘special’, one will always need that misfortune.
When one is trying to be oneself, competition will inevitably get in the way.
if you are someone who has placed himself in competition, you will never have a moment’s peace.
Irascible people do not have short tempers–it is only that they do not know that there are effective communication tools other than anger.
‘I am right’ leads to the assumption that ‘this person is wrong’, and finally it becomes a contest and you are thinking, I have to win. It’s a power struggle through and through.
I know only one thing. … The fact that you are the one who decided your lifestyle, and no one else.
Adler was very critical of education by reward and punishment. It leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people think; If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions, too.
First, one should ask ‘whose task is this?’
The more one is praised by another person, the more one forms the belief that one has no ability. Please do your best to remember this.
Because giving praise is a judgement that is passed by a person of ability onto a person without ability.
Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: you should start.